soul surgery

Is it time for me to leave? It's too early, yes. But...
What am I gonna do? I really can't understand my emotions.

Those things enter my mind without warning and never left.

It's disturbing, I thought. I just felt uneasy today.
My mind is not working properly.
My heart is just too big. Big enough not to pump blood properly.
I'm not getting enough oxygen which I must have.
I just thought, what I did last night was a mistake. .
Stupid of me. Sooo stupid of me.
I did it again. And I guess, I can really say, last night was really the last.
The last time I would try to do it. Unless... Of course.
Maintain privacy. What does it mean?
I value privacy so much. It's just that, I want something I don't.
Confused? Me too.
It's like this:
I've always wanted this thing from it's existence. Now, I already have it.
The problem:
I don't want it blown away. I just wanted to disown it.

Mind says, leave.
Heart says, no.
Soul says, both.

Tell me, how will I be able to leave and not to leave at the same time?

I think, I would go for my soul. It may not keep quiet, at least, it's keeping both my mind and heart alive.