Beginning after the End

Yesterday:

It was never easy. I have gone tired of pretending and lying. I have gone tired of telling people that I'm fine when I'm not, that I'm happy when I'm not, that I've already gone through it all when I still haven't. I'm tired of faking a smile and forcing myself to laugh. I'm tired of being so kind to undeserving people. I'm tired of asking myself why I haven't tried one last more. I'm tired of answering questions when in fact, answers hurt me a lot. I'm tired of pretending to be not interested about the discreetness of somebody's whereabouts when it's already at the tip of my tongue to ask. I'm tired of being mad so much that it deprives me from genuine joy. I'm tired of myself because maybe, I can't accept the fact that I cannot control my own emotions. I can't accept the fact that I'm still on the process of climbing and yet everyone else is already at the other side of the mountain. I hate myself for not barfing it out, for not crying my heart out and for not letting it out. What pains me a lot is that when I love, I give my all and later, I'd end up in the middle of nowhere. I'm helpless or at least that's what I think. I may sound fine oftentimes but deep inside, I wanted to scream.



Today:

I don't want to waste my time being so sad just because some stupid freak has torn me apart. Because of these, I have become worse than I was before. Fortunately, it made me climb 'til the peak much easier. This is what they say that there will always be a rainbow after a rain, no matter how hard that rain was. When I thought I can't moved on, unconsciously, I already have. Easy come, easy go I guess.



Tomorrow:

I easily love and fall for people.That is something everybody can't seem to evade.I believed, I am not destined to be hurt. I was just a victim of my own crime. I know, it was just a way of telling me, "Hey scam, you deserve someone so much better than him." Or "Hey scam, he doesn't deserve you. You're too good for him." I have often told myself never to fall in love again but who knows? If I'll let myself fall again, I might find myself with someone I truly deserve. After all, I see no harm in taking chances because no one knows how great something could turn out to be. I took risk. Why not take risk again?

perfect healer

I believed. I trusted. What a fool I have become. I thought everything was perfect. Comparison is always easy once you've already tried what you've always wanted. Letting go is painful. But moving on? That's another story. I hate myself for giving too much of me. I hate myself for not crying my heart out. I can't let it go. Reasons are all around, telling me to leave and go on with what I had before. Enough reasons I could consider not to be generous of chances. Time is the perfect healer. I know, I could get over all the pain inside. I just hope, time will come, he'll be able to realize his loss and my worth.. Goodbye.

thank u bai.

I may not tell you very often but from the deepest of my heart, I am very much happy to receive something so very much special. I know it's not perfect like you said but it really is perfect enough for me to become teary-eyed. Thank you so much for the time and effort you have given just to prepare this one. Thanks for the mini letters, the pictures and everything. Thanks for the not-so-well cut of papers and overlapping scotch tapes. Thanks for a package-from-states-like gift. Thanks for the CD with your picture and mine. Thanks for the mini hearts you've put and the picture of a boy and girl with our names on it. Thanks for the biblical messages and reminders you've written on the neon cartolina. Thanks for making me one of your patients in DMC. Thanks for always reminding me to take care of myself. Thanks for bothering to print pictures. Thanks for the message on one of the papers where you've placed your signature and your so-called thumbmark. I am so sad and mad for what you've done. You don't need to cut yourself in the thumb just to prove that you're sincere. You're the best abnormal and stubborn person I've ever known. Thanks for the 19 smallest pieces of paper with 19 the same messages which I really love to hear from you and which I feel the same way too.

Though it's not excellently artistic but believe me, you've done the most creative way in making me smile. Like you said, there is nothing so special with April 24, 2009 but mind you, you've just made it extraordinary to me. I never expected to feel this way. I feel so loved, cared and remembered. Thanks for making the best of what you've got just to show how much you love me sincerely. I really don't mind gifts. Your presence is so much enough for me and you should know that. I know I'm almost exaggerating now. I just want you to know that no one and nobody else in this world can make the same present I've received, but you alone. It's not what's in the gift that really matters to me. It's how you intentionally used your time and give your effort to make it for me. I'm nothing special, just an ordinary girl and I'm very much grateful to have been loved by you. I feel so lucky because you've chosen me among hundreds of us. I may not be like them but at least I've tried very hard to be enough for you. I know I'm not physically fortunate but you've chosen me. That's what makes me fortunate enough. Thank you for telling me and making me believe that I'm beautiful. Thanks for wanting to touch my face and for not letting me go when we're together. There'll be no one else, I think, could love me the way you do. I really do appreciate even the smallest thing you've showed me.

These are some things I wanted to tell you which I cannot tell you personally. I'm shy and you know that. This is just simple letter so I'm not prepared. But really, to make everything short, I just want to tell you, thank you. You have my heart, though not entirely, but please, take care of it. If I may, and if God will allow us, I would also want to spend the rest of my earthly days with you.

deliberation

This is not what I've thought things would turn out to be. This is not what I've imagined. My feelings betrayed me. This has gone too far. This is far more than what I've expected.

Before I've decided to consider thinking things out and face the consequences, I've already anticipated pain, disappointments and tears. Now that everything went out to be the opposite, I'm getting confused. This is too much and I really don't think I can handle this one.

Escape.
Many times I've thought that this would be the answer to every question I've been wanting to solve. But how? The more I think everything over, the more I hurt myself because I know, deep in me, I wanted to stay. I wanted to be there, always. I wanted to be near, watching. Why can't I accept the fact that I've fallen in love with the very thing I'm scared of since its existence? Why can't I let myself fall and just accept that pain would really follow next whatever happens? I know, I'm a loser. At least, I've tried. Than not trying at all and still, I would end up being a big L. Many times I've thought that the thing is too good to be true. Without even thinking that I might end up with something "too good to be true".

I hate myself for being so confused most of the time. I hate myself for the fear and doubt I have toward this thing. I hate myself for thinking all these things and still, I opt to stay and face whatever there is to face.

The truth is, I'm not scared of seeing it leave and having myself getting hurt. I'm scared of leaving it and having it getting hurt. I don't have the heart to do it. My destiny is not in my hands. My destiny is not imaginable. My destiny cannot be foretold. My destiny does not lie in my dreams...and even nightmares. My destiny is already there. Waiting for me to arrive at the right time. And I won't accept the fact that there is such thing as the "right time". Though, I'm scared, my dreams have already told me how would I end up my earthly days. The problem is, when will it happen? Do I still have the chance to change everything? Or at least, do something while time is ticking.

I'm scared of dying.

Whatever happens, I promise, my heart will stay.

soul surgery

Is it time for me to leave? It's too early, yes. But...
What am I gonna do? I really can't understand my emotions.

Those things enter my mind without warning and never left.

It's disturbing, I thought. I just felt uneasy today.
My mind is not working properly.
My heart is just too big. Big enough not to pump blood properly.
I'm not getting enough oxygen which I must have.
I just thought, what I did last night was a mistake. .
Stupid of me. Sooo stupid of me.
I did it again. And I guess, I can really say, last night was really the last.
The last time I would try to do it. Unless... Of course.
Maintain privacy. What does it mean?
I value privacy so much. It's just that, I want something I don't.
Confused? Me too.
It's like this:
I've always wanted this thing from it's existence. Now, I already have it.
The problem:
I don't want it blown away. I just wanted to disown it.

Mind says, leave.
Heart says, no.
Soul says, both.

Tell me, how will I be able to leave and not to leave at the same time?

I think, I would go for my soul. It may not keep quiet, at least, it's keeping both my mind and heart alive.

awakening

Yesterday was...hmmm. I don't know.
I was in a certified lunatic mood. I can't understand why all along, I felt everything was in the right place but they're not. I wanted to feel happy and just be happy.
No, I am happy. With him. Yes, with him. But, am I really? I AM.
Why am I still convincing myself when I already knew?
I just can't understand the feeling of contentment and confusion mixed at the same time.
A friend once told me, "You're happy. You just won't let yourself feel it."
I already had this doubt since last year. I told myself."Why not try?" Fine.
That was a month ago. More than a month actually.
What now? I'm scared of having to end up like THEM.
I'm scared of what people would say.
I'm scared of the things that could happen which I might not be able to accept.
Well, so what?..I know, I know, you've got to bear with my inconsistent mindset.
Yes, I had doubts, confusions and fears.. But now?
Fear is already dead. Doubt is still there, dying.
Waiting for the right timing to murder confusion.
Here I am. I've tried, still trying and I think, I'd be able to live up with it.
Unbelievable,I'm somewhere I've never thought I'd be.
I may have a lot of fears crossing over my mind but it's fine.
Because, sometimes, the thing that you're scared of, is usually the most worthwhile.
What I really feel right now is that, I am happy when I get to be with him.
And I think that's worth it. Nothing more.

daydreaming

Confused and lost. Is this the right time to tell myself to stop imagining things which apparently are unimaginable? Do I have the right to become happy when all this time, I know that I made the wrong decision. Is it really? No, I don't think so. I know sometimes I tend to doubt on everything that passes my mind but everything happens for a reason, right? And I believe, we all have to live up with those reasons, whatever they may be. Sometimes, we need to risk things in order to give way for another. Sometimes, we temporarily ignore consequences not because you want to but you really need to for personal sake. People tend to make mistakes and wrong decisions intentionally. I might be like that. Maybe because I wanted an independent move or simply because I wanted something I fear I could never have in the future. I don't care what this brings out later. What I care most is the feeling of contentment on the situation I am in to. I don't care what people would say as long as I think that everything's fine. I don't care how people I care would think as long as there are still people who would say that all's well. I just want everything to freeze and enjoy the moment of perfectness. Yes, I might be hallucinating or maybe, just daydreaming, I just don't want to be disturbed forever, if possible.

lunchmates

Fortunately, I got the chance to meet and befriend with ten paranoid girls of section C. Well, it all started when we spent our free time together in People's Park where we actually started to share our chats, crazy stuffs, bloopers and laughter. Later then, we started our circle of friends until we got to be more closed when we ate lunch together. That's how lunchmates originated. Nobody can explain how blessed I am for meeting these mentally incapacitated girls whom I've learned to care and love. I feel so lucky to have met ivy, a not-so fat schizophrenic girl from Malita, aprille, an obsessive-compulsive ex-patient from Matina Aplaya, klarnette, a talented autistic girl from Toril, sheena, a sweet girl from Pagadian who always hallucinate, ruby, a very nice girl from kidapawan who happens to have a gender identity disorder, ruffa, a paranoid ex-boldstar from Sasa, artess, a mentally retarded frustrated writer from Sasa, floragine, a mongoloid radio commentator also known as Dra. Love, kristine, a very kind girl from buhangin who has a panic attack disorder and lastly, ate maricel, an emo with brief psychotic disorder. . Wierd, isn't it? Well, they're my friends.! I've got friends back in Surigao too. Like them, lunchmates are irreplaceble. Hopefully, sharing won't end as to friendship will remain til the last breath. I'm so hapi to have you lunchmates. I really appreciate the trust that had been part of our foundation. Moments and secrets shared together will always be cherished. May we have more moments and get-togethers as time goes by.. Now, who says I couldn't get the best of both worlds?..love u lunchmates.

P.S.
ang atong daily funds ba..LOL.

vigils and fasting

When can I get a super duper human night? Two more weeks to go and I'll be saying goodbye to CP season. Season of vigils and fasting. O yea.. I just love it. It's like suicide in a slow motion. I just hate it when nobody does the first move in which apparently leave you no choice but to stand between the group.. I just hate it when you're going to assign specific tasks and then all you could get are complaints and rotten reasons! I just hate those times when I get to see the sunrise without getting a chance to close my eyes first even just for 5mins. Shocks. I just hate it when I have to shout at my sister to let me use the computer not because I wanted to browse the net but because I need to finish the FNCP. . .Familiar? Yea right. It's not really nice to listen to my elder sister's litany about how messy I could get if not well reminded. Much more with my mother's consistent speech about my supposed-to-be household chores which obviously I didn't get to start with. It's not a very good feeling when you need to skip lunch because the manuscript must be submitted at 2PM and then everybody else just sit and wait for us to arrive. It's not really easy to formulate justifications for the computation of hx px, make the NCP and revise everything. I just hate it when you've already assigned tasks to people weeks before it is needed and then they're going to start doing it a day before the submission and finally, I still get to see it for the last time and when you found out they're making nonsense out of it, you don't have a choice but to edit and revise what has been made. (sigh) I still have more, so much more to say. But anyway, everything's okay with me. It's just that I really don't want abusive people around me. They're making me sooo sick. What I really wanted these coming days is to have our case study proofread and later, subject for a hardbound copy. Bitaw guys, frankly, I just want to sleep...and sleep...and sleep... for compensation purpose only. aheem.. Hehehe.

Thanks to my groupmates anyway. Everybody has exerted their effort, atleast that's what I think. To Ivy bebang, na sige suggest ug overnight pero maoy una matulog. To jen, for accompanying ivy bebang ug maoy sunod matulog. To klarnette, my co-survivor na nauna ug 5mins tulog kesa nko. Thanks for the effort nga super obvious. Asa napud kaya ta ani nextym. Ayaw na sa balay kay kusog kaayo mo mangaon. Ma-purdoy mi ninyo. hehe. Bitaw, anytime bsta si ivy bebang mka learn pag-pray before eating. hahaha.. To aprille, orly, francis and jason. Thanks for doing your individual tasks. . Although, not perfect atong presentation, atleast we've done our best. GO GROUP2B!!..

To sec.C, good work everyone! 'Til next community duty... Paalam!

Why?

Why? Why are you giving all these reasons? Why are you giving all these signs? Do you want me to hate you and leave you? It doesn't matter, right? You've got other companies anyway. You could just snap your hand and Olah!, jan agad sila. You have others who love and care for you but i know, time will come, they would just leave you alone for making them feel unloved and deprived from all your hatchet. I'm tired of defending you against the howler of other people's minds. Maybe, it's time to listen to their suggestions to give ourselves time to realize each other's value. I couldn't imagine myself forcing you just to stay. Why would I do that, anyway? Why would I run after you if I've got better others who are always behind me.

My most favorite book EVER

I'm a reader.. Don't take that literally. I actually wanted to say that I read a lot. As in, a lot. I've got a quite collection of books and pocketbooks. What I love most is Harry Potter Series. I'm a certified HP addict since I was in 2nd year highschool. But that does not mean that HP is my favorite book. It's just that I really loooveee iiittt.. Okay, here's what i really wanted to say. I can't really categorized the books I've read according to favoritsm. But, I think I can pick one which really stands out. Okay, eto na..eto na.. Have you read The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas?.. Probably yes, probably not. But anyway, it's the most great piece I've ever encountered. I've read the book for I think, more than 5 times since I was in 1st year highschool. I've also seen the movie but hey, the book is far far far more amazing and imaginable. Like Harry Potter, I'd probably not like the movie the first time I saw it, but try read the books. It's like someone had put a mighty bond on my butt. ahahaha! Kaya I've learned to appreciate the movie kasi I've already read the book. You may not like Harry Potter but I love the person who created him. Duh, ang author akong pasabot. Dili iyang parents. LOL. Anyway, The Count of Monte Cristo is really something. It's a story about friendship, love, courage, patience and loyalty. I've cried a lot kahit many times ko na nabasa. Oh cum on.. Everytime makita ko yung book sa NBS, I always feel like buying the book. But what's the use na kulang nalang ma memorize ko yung every word. LOL. Soooo, that's it people of the RP Philippines. I just wonder how many of you would like to try and read the book. ahh.. NEVER MIND