thank u bai.

I may not tell you very often but from the deepest of my heart, I am very much happy to receive something so very much special. I know it's not perfect like you said but it really is perfect enough for me to become teary-eyed. Thank you so much for the time and effort you have given just to prepare this one. Thanks for the mini letters, the pictures and everything. Thanks for the not-so-well cut of papers and overlapping scotch tapes. Thanks for a package-from-states-like gift. Thanks for the CD with your picture and mine. Thanks for the mini hearts you've put and the picture of a boy and girl with our names on it. Thanks for the biblical messages and reminders you've written on the neon cartolina. Thanks for making me one of your patients in DMC. Thanks for always reminding me to take care of myself. Thanks for bothering to print pictures. Thanks for the message on one of the papers where you've placed your signature and your so-called thumbmark. I am so sad and mad for what you've done. You don't need to cut yourself in the thumb just to prove that you're sincere. You're the best abnormal and stubborn person I've ever known. Thanks for the 19 smallest pieces of paper with 19 the same messages which I really love to hear from you and which I feel the same way too.

Though it's not excellently artistic but believe me, you've done the most creative way in making me smile. Like you said, there is nothing so special with April 24, 2009 but mind you, you've just made it extraordinary to me. I never expected to feel this way. I feel so loved, cared and remembered. Thanks for making the best of what you've got just to show how much you love me sincerely. I really don't mind gifts. Your presence is so much enough for me and you should know that. I know I'm almost exaggerating now. I just want you to know that no one and nobody else in this world can make the same present I've received, but you alone. It's not what's in the gift that really matters to me. It's how you intentionally used your time and give your effort to make it for me. I'm nothing special, just an ordinary girl and I'm very much grateful to have been loved by you. I feel so lucky because you've chosen me among hundreds of us. I may not be like them but at least I've tried very hard to be enough for you. I know I'm not physically fortunate but you've chosen me. That's what makes me fortunate enough. Thank you for telling me and making me believe that I'm beautiful. Thanks for wanting to touch my face and for not letting me go when we're together. There'll be no one else, I think, could love me the way you do. I really do appreciate even the smallest thing you've showed me.

These are some things I wanted to tell you which I cannot tell you personally. I'm shy and you know that. This is just simple letter so I'm not prepared. But really, to make everything short, I just want to tell you, thank you. You have my heart, though not entirely, but please, take care of it. If I may, and if God will allow us, I would also want to spend the rest of my earthly days with you.

deliberation

This is not what I've thought things would turn out to be. This is not what I've imagined. My feelings betrayed me. This has gone too far. This is far more than what I've expected.

Before I've decided to consider thinking things out and face the consequences, I've already anticipated pain, disappointments and tears. Now that everything went out to be the opposite, I'm getting confused. This is too much and I really don't think I can handle this one.

Escape.
Many times I've thought that this would be the answer to every question I've been wanting to solve. But how? The more I think everything over, the more I hurt myself because I know, deep in me, I wanted to stay. I wanted to be there, always. I wanted to be near, watching. Why can't I accept the fact that I've fallen in love with the very thing I'm scared of since its existence? Why can't I let myself fall and just accept that pain would really follow next whatever happens? I know, I'm a loser. At least, I've tried. Than not trying at all and still, I would end up being a big L. Many times I've thought that the thing is too good to be true. Without even thinking that I might end up with something "too good to be true".

I hate myself for being so confused most of the time. I hate myself for the fear and doubt I have toward this thing. I hate myself for thinking all these things and still, I opt to stay and face whatever there is to face.

The truth is, I'm not scared of seeing it leave and having myself getting hurt. I'm scared of leaving it and having it getting hurt. I don't have the heart to do it. My destiny is not in my hands. My destiny is not imaginable. My destiny cannot be foretold. My destiny does not lie in my dreams...and even nightmares. My destiny is already there. Waiting for me to arrive at the right time. And I won't accept the fact that there is such thing as the "right time". Though, I'm scared, my dreams have already told me how would I end up my earthly days. The problem is, when will it happen? Do I still have the chance to change everything? Or at least, do something while time is ticking.

I'm scared of dying.

Whatever happens, I promise, my heart will stay.

soul surgery

Is it time for me to leave? It's too early, yes. But...
What am I gonna do? I really can't understand my emotions.

Those things enter my mind without warning and never left.

It's disturbing, I thought. I just felt uneasy today.
My mind is not working properly.
My heart is just too big. Big enough not to pump blood properly.
I'm not getting enough oxygen which I must have.
I just thought, what I did last night was a mistake. .
Stupid of me. Sooo stupid of me.
I did it again. And I guess, I can really say, last night was really the last.
The last time I would try to do it. Unless... Of course.
Maintain privacy. What does it mean?
I value privacy so much. It's just that, I want something I don't.
Confused? Me too.
It's like this:
I've always wanted this thing from it's existence. Now, I already have it.
The problem:
I don't want it blown away. I just wanted to disown it.

Mind says, leave.
Heart says, no.
Soul says, both.

Tell me, how will I be able to leave and not to leave at the same time?

I think, I would go for my soul. It may not keep quiet, at least, it's keeping both my mind and heart alive.